Nell’s Place

Lonnie’s Heart

© SolCorazon 2005 All rights reserved.

Chapter 3


 Mucho amor y besos to all of you who have taken the time to write me. Your words sustained me through a very difficult time. I apologize for the delay; real life has been a bit hellish. J.D., I love you. Tom, I love you.

Terri edits, Ena betas and I could not do this without them. I am thankful for their patience, support, and unerring eyes. Of course any remaining errors are my own.



Sabian reluctantly walked up the stairway leading to Nell’s Place. The only reason he didn’t turn around and go back into his apartment was because he didn’t want to jam Nell. She had given one of her helpers paid time off after Sabian had volunteered to help out. He rubbed a hand across his face and grimaced.


‘You go through men like a meat cleaver.’ It hadn’t sounded that bad when Nell had first said it. Admittedly, he hadn’t really been paying attention. He’d been too busy trying to figure out how he could pull the boy in the corner playing pool.


He had to try to get to Lonnie in some way. He had to keep trying to make Lonnie like him. His mother claimed that he had inherited the ‘Please like me’ gene from her.


Wanting to be anywhere else, he walked up the remaining steps slowly. A quick, assessing glance around the room revealed that Lonnie was not present; he was relieved but disappointed. Fortunately, the morning had been quite busy. Nell left him alone at the counter while she got some extra baking done. Sabian didn’t mind the extra work. Working took his mind off things. Not things, he acknowledged. Lonnie.


Lonnie’s schedule was weird. Sometimes he came in the morning, sometimes in the evening. Even so, Sabian knew that he was going to show up eventually. He seemed to spend all of his time away from work and school at Nell’s Place.


Every time the front door opened, Sabian’s eyes shifted to the entrance and his stomach dropped. As he helped Nell with the lunch crowd, the smell of food and the sick, queasy feeling in his stomach were nauseating. By late afternoon, when Lonnie finally showed up, Sabian had already envisioned several nightmarish scenarios of seeing him again after doing the dumbest thing ever. The worst was Lonnie walking up to Nell and telling her about her nephew, Boy Whore, in front of everyone in the bar.


Lonnie walked up to the counter and ordered a plateful of snicker doodles and a cup of tea. Sabian served him with trembling, clammy hands. Lonnie avoided Sabian’s eyes until he handed over his money. His eyes, blank and lifeless flicked towards Sabian and quickly to the side. He gave Sabian a polite, meaningless half-smile before he turned away.


The sick feeling in Sabian’s stomach increased to the point of pain. Feelings of anger were interspersed with the anxiety he was feeling. He supposed that Lonnie must hate him now but he wasn’t entirely sure why. He’d let that other guy do him. What was the difference between Sabian and the other guy?


It took exactly seven days for Lonnie to stop giving Sabian that fake, overly polite smile. It took another week for Lonnie to loosen up enough to say more than, ‘hey’ or ‘what’s up?’ By the third week, Lonnie’s smiles were actually genuine. To Sabian’s everlasting shame, he used Nell to get back into Lonnie’s good graces.


To pass the time while they straightened out the storage room, Sabian had once told Lonnie a little story about Nell passed on to him by his mother. He remembered how intrigued Lonnie had been. Lonnie seemed to regard Nell as a surrogate mother. After three fruitless weeks of attempting to get Lonnie to forgive him for whatever the hell he had done wrong, Sabian had walked over to the pool table and in a final, desperate attempt to get Lonnie to speak to him again, had successfully worked a story about Nell into the conversation.


All the while, he steadfastly ignored the little voice in his head telling him how pathetic he was. He also ignored the way Lonnie’s stiff posture and avoidance of eye contact warned him away. The first story he told Lonnie elicited a cool smile.  Frantically, Sabian tried to come up with a way to reach him. In a voice tinged with embarrassment, he told one of his favorite “Nell stories”. This was a story he usually reminisced about with Nell to remind her of the bond they shared.


When he was ten years old, Sabian had decided that it wasn’t enough that Nell was sort of an honorary aunt. Both of his parents were only children. His father’s parents were deceased and his mother didn’t talk about her parents. With a child’s sensitivity, Sabian realized this was a touchy subject and stopped attempting to discuss family with his mother. Nell and his mother referred to each other as sisters even though they weren’t related biologically. Sabian wanted it to be official.


He had written up an adoption letter and had his parents preside over a candlelit ceremony where he and Nell pricked the forefingers of their right hands and joined their blood together. Sabian’s father had very solemnly pronounced Nell and Sabian aunt and nephew. When Sabian finished telling the story, Lonnie had said very quietly, “You’re real lucky, man.”


Sabian was disconcerted by Lonnie’s unexpected response. He had started out attempting to depict his ten-year-old self in a humorous light, assuming that he and Lonnie could have a good laugh. Instead, Lonnie had picked up on and shown respect for Sabian’s tremendous love for Nell. When Lonnie asked him if he wanted to play a game, Sabian realized with surprise that maybe he had got what he wanted after all. Instead of the triumph he would have felt in the past, Sabian felt an overwhelming sense of relief.



Sabian raced up the steps leading to Nell’s Place. He stopped at the second to last step and caught his breath. He rotated his head and shook his tall lean frame, like a boxer preparing to enter the ring. He took a deep breath and proceeded to climb the remaining stairs. Instead of the reluctance to see Lonnie that he had felt several weeks ago, today he was full of anticipation. Over the past couple of weeks Sabian felt like he and Lonnie had become maybe not friends, but close to it.



Lonnie felt the weight of Sabian’s stare but ignored it; he was used to it by now. Sabian was always looking at him. Lonnie really wasn’t sure why. He didn’t understand a lot of things about Sabian. Why Sabian had gone down on him. Why Sabian kept trying to be his friend. Lonnie just figured that if Nell liked and trusted Sabian, even though he would never trust him, Sabian was ok to chill with every now and then.


Lonnie moved around the pool table with the ease gained by long hours spent sinking balls in the socket one by one ever since he was a little kid. He savored the mindlessness of it, going through motions that were so deeply ingrained they were automatic. He didn’t have to think about anything but lining up his next shot and sinking the ball. He loved the rhythm and precision of it, the sound of the swish and clink as the balls sank into the pocket, not thinking just doing.


Sunlight burst through the windows and framed Lonnie lovingly. The bright spring rays highlighted his light brown eyes and they glittered, almost catlike. His skin looked smooth and amber as he moved around the pool table. Sabian kept staring at him, unable to take his eyes away.


After finishing up a couple of shots, he switched his focus from the pool table and onto Sabian. He looked behind the counter and when he didn’t see Sabian there, he searched the entire room. Instead of Sabian, his eyes landed upon an older guy he had been with a couple of times before. The guy gave him a questioning look. Lonnie knew immediately what that look meant. It would be hot and easy, just the way he liked it, no thinking, no talking.


Involuntarily, Lonnie’s eyes continued to track the room for Sabian and found him. He watched as the happy smile of greeting that was always upon Sabian’s face whenever he saw Lonnie, slowly fade away. Sabian’s eyes burned into his but Lonnie couldn’t read their expression.


In a moment that stretched into a painful eternity, all Sabian could do was silently beg: Lonnie. Please. Don’t. His furiously beating heart felt like it would pound its way out of his chest, even though he told himself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t want Lonnie like that anymore, anyway.


Lonnie looked away and resumed playing for a couple of minutes without looking back at the guy. He didn’t look at Sabian again either. When he looked up again, a short time later, the guy was gone. He walked away from the table on trembling legs.


He went to the bathroom and entered one of the stalls. He leaned against the door and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t want to know why he was feeling the way he did. Just as he decided that he wasn’t going to think about it, there was a soft knock on the door of the stall.




Lonnie didn’t reply.


“Lonnie, please, let me in. I know you’re not sitting on the toilet; I can see your feet.”


Lonnie turned around and opened the door. Sabian pushed his way in. They stared at each other in silence.


Without even realizing it, Sabian moved in closer. They were just about the same height, and in the small cubicle, they were practically nose-to-nose. Sabian could smell Lonnie’s breath, sweet with a hint of cinnamon from the snicker doodles that he had eaten earlier.


Every soft exhalation of Sabian’s breath upon his face revived the memory of Sabian’s mouth and hands touching his body and Lonnie was rendered immobile by Sabian’s proximity. He found himself unable to resist the insidious rise of desire caused by being this close to Sabian. His eyes slowly drifted shut.


Already knowing that it was a stupid move, Sabian leaned in closer and gently brushed Lonnie’s lips with his own. Lonnie’s lips parted a little and Sabian seized the advantage. He slid his tongue into Lonnie’s mouth.


Lonnie placed his hands on Sabian’s shoulders, pressed in to Sabian’s length for closer contact, and slanted his head so that Sabian’s tongue could penetrate even deeper. Sabian groaned softly then turned them around in a circle so that Lonnie’s back was against the door of the stall. Lonnie stiffened for a brief moment then relaxed. Sabian leaned against Lonnie and rubbed his erection against Lonnie’s thigh.


Lonnie felt a little bump in the center of Sabian’s tongue and noticed a slightly metallic taste. He probed the bump curiously with the tip of his tongue. Surprised, he realized that Sabian’s tongue was pierced. He flashed back to the sensation of Sabian’s tongue on his dick. His knees weakened slightly at the recollection.


He felt Sabian’s hands sliding beneath his shirt and trailing circles across his back. His breath caught and Sabian groaned again at the sound. Their tongues twisted against each other as they lost themselves in the kiss.


Sabian ended the kiss reluctantly and pressed a few, tender parting kisses against Lonnie’s soft, full lips.


“I have to get back to work. Will you come with me? I mean, will you come downstairs with me when I get off? It won’t be long.”


Lonnie nodded his head.


“Do you have to work tonight?” Sabian asked.


Lonnie shook his head no.


“Do you speak?” Sabian teased with a slight smile.


Lonnie nodded his head. A shy, sweet smile crossed his face in return as he responded, “Sometimes”.


Sabian caught Lonnie’s fingers with his. “Okay. That’s cool. I can work with that.”




During the brief walk downstairs, Sabian caught Lonnie’s hand in his again and asked, “Have you ever been down here before?”


Lonnie shook his head, cleared his throat, and replied, “No.”


“Kieron and his buddies’ rooms are over there,” Sabian said, pointing down a long hallway, “so I stay away from there. Kieron is kind of scary.”


Lonnie said, “I don’t really know them but when Saul was in the hospital, they took over for him. They really try to look out for Nell.” 


“I don’t really know them that well either. They pretty much keep to themselves.” Sabian said, surprised and gratified that Lonnie was talking a little more than usual. He couldn’t believe that Lonnie had agreed to come downstairs with him.


As soon as they entered Sabian’s room, he instructed Lonnie to have a seat on the bed. Lonnie sat down and looked around curiously while Sabian fumbled around with his CD’s, found what he was looking for and inserted it in the CD player.


“Hey, you have Jeffrey Schwartz’s book.”


Sabian looked up and saw that Lonnie was scanning the bookshelf in the corner.

He made a noncommittal noise half way between agreement and acknowledgement. “That man is fascinating. A Buddhist and a scientist. I would give my left nut to talk to him for an hour.”


Sabian made that same noise again.


“The Fionavar Tapestry,” Lonnie said reverently. “And you have all three. You’re the only other person I know who’s even heard of it.”


When he turned around to look at Sabian, there was a new respect in his eyes. Even though he knew that there was probably a special place in hell reserved for him now,


Sabian wasn’t about to make that look disappear and tell Lonnie that this bookshelf was where Nell kept the overflow from her bookshelves upstairs. He made another sound that could’ve been agreement and listened to Lonnie rattle on about the books on the shelves. He had never seen Lonnie talk this much in such a short period. Lonnie used words like someone who needed to stay below a certain word usage quota. “This one must be the latest by Schwartz.”


Lonnie grabbed the book, walked back over to the bed and sat down.


Sabian wasn’t sure what his next move should be. He could tell Lonnie was a little skittish. He was holding himself tensely as if he was expecting Sabian to jump him. Sabian was accustomed to being the aggressor but wasn’t used to having to seduce. His victims came knowingly and willingly.


Don’t be stupid, he told himself. Lonnie knew what the deal was when he agreed to come. He wasn’t expecting to be served milk and cookies and sent merrily on his way.

Sabian observed that Lonnie had even taken his Nike’s off when he sat on the bed.


Sabian ran a finger up the sole of Lonnie’s foot, interrupting Lonnie’s continued perusal of the book in his hand. “Ticklish?” Sabian queried.


“Uh Unh,” Lonnie said.


“Let’s see,” Sabian said as he pulled Lonnie’s sock off. He lightly caressed the sole of Lonnie’s foot. Lonnie flexed his foot but he didn’t laugh. Sabian leaned forward a little and licked the sole of Lonnie’s foot, his tongue following the path his finger had taken.


Sabian looked up and saw that Lonnie’s eyes were closed and his lips parted slightly. Sabian could see the pulse in his throat fluttering wildly. He pressed soft, tender kisses against Lonnie’s foot, then pushed Lonnie’s pants leg up so that he could lick Lonnie’s ankle. Lonnie made a muted sound.


“Lonnie,” Sabian said quietly, crawling up next to Lonnie on the bed. Lonnie’s eyes opened slowly.


“Yeah?” he asked.


“Will you….um….can I take your pants off?” Sabian cursed his awkwardness and the way Lonnie made him feel so off balance. If this had been anyone else, they both would have eagerly peeled their clothes off before they had reached the bed.


“Are you gonna take yours off?” Lonnie asked.


“Yeah”, Sabian answered.


“Ok.” Lonnie said.


Sabian undressed the both of them, alternating removing an item of Lonnie’s clothing with removing something of his. After they were both completely undressed, he took a long moment to look Lonnie up and down.


“What?” Lonnie asked softly, raising his knees in an attempt to hide.  


“You,” Sabian said. He opened his mouth to speak then stopped. None of his usual glib phrases would come to mind. “I don’t think I’ve seen anyone more beautiful than you. Ever,” he finally said after a long pause.


After looking at Sabian closely, checking his sincerity, Lonnie slowly lowered his legs. His hands hovered protectively over his cock for a couple of seconds then, feeling silly, he lowered them to his sides. Sabian lightly stroked a hand down Lonnie’s body and watched as a trail of goose bumps followed his tender caress.


He crawled onto the bed next to Lonnie and lay on his side facing him. He slowly and carefully stroked Lonnie, watching as his eyes fluttered shut and Lonnie stretched and arched to capture more of his touch.


Sabian leaned over, brushed a quick kiss against Lonnie’s mouth, and then whispered in his ear, “I’ve dreamed about being with you like this.”


He licked Lonnie’s ear then gently bit his ear lobe. Lonnie shuddered. Sabian planted hot, leisurely kisses across Lonnie’s chest, ignoring his nipples for a few seconds before moving to his right nipple and licking it with the flat of his tongue. Lonnie’s pressed his chest towards Sabian’s mouth and ground his head into the bed, clenching his teeth to unsuccessfully stifle a low moan of need. Sabian played with Lonnie’s nipple, sucking it gently and teasing the tip of it with the ball of his piercing.


He moved over to the left nipple while lightly scratching across Lonnie’s abdomen with the tips of his nails. Lonnie inhaled sharply as Sabian gently bit at his nipple. He was writhing and twitching as Sabian patiently and unhurriedly worked him over.


After he had traversed Lonnie’s body with mouth and tongue several times, reducing him to uncontrollable trembling and eloquent but nonverbal requests for more, Sabian quickly rolled onto his back and pulled Lonnie’s body across his, until Lonnie’s head was facing Sabian’s feet.


Lonnie was disconcerted to find that Sabian’s erect penis was practically staring him in the face. It was thick, long, and heavy. It lay across Sabian’s lower abdomen pulsing and dripping, throbbing gently with rhythmic surges in sync with Sabian’s heartbeat.


“Touch me,” Sabian said right before he leaned up and engulfed Lonnie’s cock down his throat. He clutched at Lonnie’s hips and pulled him even deeper.


Lonnie’s eyes crossed and bright patterns of light and color flickered madly behind his eyelids. It took him a minute to reorient himself to the point that he knew where he was and what he was doing. Sabian turned his head to the side, removing Lonnie’s cock from his mouth, softly lapping at the head. “Touch me,” he insisted. “You don’t have to suck me. Just touch me.”


He slid the head of Lonnie’s cock back into his mouth and swirled his tongue around the glans. He waited a few seconds, and then he did it again, swallowed Lonnie’s cock in one, long, slow, earth-shaking gulp. Lonnie gasped noisily. His entire body collapsed onto Sabian.


When he regained his senses, he found his nose buried in Sabian’s trimmed pubes. He nuzzled there for a few seconds, curious and entranced by Sabian’s odor. He rose up a little and looked down at Sabian’s lithe, muscular form. He tried to ignore what Sabian was doing to him. If he focused on the delicious sensations radiating from his cock, he would melt into a puddle of uselessness and to his shock he really did want to touch Sabian.


He ran a hand across Sabian’s abdomen, marveling at the taut, precisely formed muscles there; Sabian’s abs clenched tightly in immediate response. Lonnie ran both hands up and down Sabian’s thighs. Sabian’s knees rose involuntarily and he groaned.


Working up his nerve, Lonnie clasped Sabian’s cock in a trembling hand, squeezing and weighing it, becoming accustomed to the heft of it, the warmth, and silkiness of it. He searched lower with his other hand and felt Sabian’s balls, large and firm. He cupped them tenderly, just barely touching the wrinkled surfaces. Sabian groaned again.


The sound gave Lonnie courage and he hunched over Sabian’s cock, licked the slit, delving into it curiously, then ran his tongue around to the underside and licked it tentatively, enjoying the sensation of the soft ridges of flesh against his tongue. Sabian bucked wildly and Lonnie let go. Sabian’s cock fell onto his abdomen with a sharp, audible slap.


Lonnie was breathing rapidly, turned on, startled and not sure what to do next. Sabian patted Lonnie’s hips soothingly. Calmed, Lonnie leaned forward once more. He opened his mouth and tried to imitate what Sabian was doing to him, slow, strong sucks on the head of his penis. He knew there was no way he could make Sabian feel as good as he was feeling but he wanted to try.


He duplicated Sabian’s efforts, motion by motion. When Sabian grasped Lonnie’s cock and rubbed the tip across his soft, wet lips, Lonnie did the same to him. When Sabian bobbed up and down on Lonnie’s cock with an unrelenting, forceful rhythm, Lonnie attempted to do the same. When Sabian swallowed Lonnie’s cock to the root, Lonnie embedded Sabian’s penis as far down his throat as he could.


When he couldn’t think, when he couldn’t do anything but feel, he wrapped his arms around Sabian’s hips and mindlessly moved his mouth up and down on Sabian. He was moaning almost as loudly and as often as Sabian was. As soon as he felt Sabian’s cock throbbing and vibrating violently in his mouth, against his tongue, he did what he felt Sabian doing to him; he held on for dear life and swallowed.


Lonnie lay there quietly when the aftershocks had subsided, once again not entirely sure what to do. He acquiesced willingly as he felt Sabian pulling him into his arms. He felt Sabian kiss his cheek with ill concealed astonishment and went to sleep with what he knew must be a goofy smile on his face.




Sabian thought he must be going crazy. As far as he knew, it wasn’t possible to be addicted to cum. He found himself losing it if he didn’t hook up with Lonnie at least once or twice a day. Doing that around Lonnie’s weird work and school schedule was really funky, but they worked it out. Lonnie never said anything but Sabian thought that Lonnie was as into him as he was into Lonnie.


He couldn’t get enough. He found himself wanting Lonnie all the time and he had never been like that about anyone before. Ever.


He polished the bar, keeping it sparkling the way Nell liked it. He walked around the room polishing the tables all the while keeping his eyes on Lonnie, who as usual was over at the pool table practicing his moves.


The bar was quiet and Nell was covering so Sabian walked over to Lonnie and said, “I know a really good way to line up that shot.”


He moved behind Lonnie, changed the position of Lonnie’s arms, and unobtrusively rubbed against Lonnie’s ass. Lonnie sucked in a lungful of air.


“I want you,” Sabian murmured in his ear, making it look as though he was continuing his instructions.


Lonnie shivered a little. He attempted to refocus and made the shot. It missed.


“Hold up”, Sabian said. “Let me show you again.”


He moved behind Lonnie and repositioned his arms. “I want you sooooo bad,” he told Lonnie breathlessly.


“Stop,” Lonnie said weakly. “I can’t concentrate when you do that.”


Sabian smiled wickedly and said, “Okay”, then started to walk away.


“No, wait,” Lonnie protested.


“Make up your mind”, Sabian teased. He stuck his tongue at Lonnie. Lonnie stared at his tongue, enthralled by the way Sabian manipulated the ball of his piercing enticingly. Lonnie had a quick, intense flash of how that tongue felt in his mouth, against his body. He stared at Sabian’s mouth, hungry for it now.


“When can we leave again?” he asked, already knowing the answer but hoping it would have changed from the last time he and Sabian had checked.


“In about ten minutes,” Sabian said.


“Aunt Nell is letting me leave a little early. And no, I didn’t ask,” he said before Lonnie could comment. They had both agreed not to do anything that might piss Nell off.


Sabian adjusted his cock quickly. He looked around the room and seeing that no one was paying attention to them, he whispered, “I can’t wait to feel you. I need you.”


Lonnie didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. His eyes, fierce and intent upon Sabian, spoke for him.


Exactly ten minutes later, Lonnie was shaking with anticipation and ready to follow Sabian into hell if necessary. Instead, they did what they usually did as often as possible. Discretely and separately, they departed the main room and met at the top of the stairs leading to Sabian’s downstairs apartment.


Shortly after they crossed the entrance, Sabian was amazed to find himself pinned to the wall and Lonnie’s tongue in his mouth. Lonnie rarely acted as aggressor. Sabian still was the one who sought Lonnie out.


Lonnie was burning. He hadn’t seen Sabian in almost a day and a half and he had been losing his mind almost. With shaking hands, he unbuttoned Sabian’s shirt and then his. He sighed into Sabian’s mouth when they were skin to skin.


He sucked on Sabian’s tongue. The talented tongue Sabian used to tease him relentlessly and to test his control. He curled his tongue against Sabian’s, alternating between sucking on Sabian’s tongue and savoring the varying textures of the surface and underside. He slanted his mouth over Sabian’s, first right and then left, trying for a position that would allow him to devour Sabian’s mouth.


Sabian turned them around so that Lonnie was pressed up against the door. He rubbed himself against Lonnie rhythmically until he reached the point where he thought he might cum. He tore his mouth from Lonnie’s then buried his lips against Lonnie’s throat.


“I’m so addicted to you,” he groaned against Lonnie’s skin. “I can’t get enough of you.”


Sabian grabbed Lonnie by the hand and pulled him over to the bed. He unzipped Lonnie’s pants and dragged them halfway down his hips. He placed his mouth on Lonnie’s penis and began to suck eagerly.


Lonnie pulled Sabian around and reached inside of Sabian’s pants, pulling out his cock and had a fleeting thought of how this was so different from the first time he had done this. He had been so scared and unsure. Now he felt like he would die if he didn’t have Sabian’s cock in his mouth, right now.


He licked up and down eagerly. After waiting almost two days for this, all he wanted right now was the taste of Sabian’s cum down his throat. He sucked as vigorously on Sabian’s cock as Sabian was sucking on his own. His frantic efforts were rewarded with a low, deep groan from Sabian as he ejaculated copiously down Lonnie’s throat. Lonnie quickly followed.


It still wasn’t enough. Lonnie kept Sabian’s cock in his mouth. It had wilted just a little but wasn’t completely soft. Lonnie knew it would be excruciatingly sensitive; he didn’t lick or suck it, just held it inside the moist warmth of his mouth.


He rested his head on Sabian’s thigh and lightly stroked the leg opposite him, twirling light, delicate circles against Sabian’s silken skin, tracing haphazard lines across and beneath his testicles. Lonnie squeezed Sabian’s sac just to the point where it would have been painful, just the way he knew Sabian liked it, then placed his hand upon Sabian’s other thigh, starting the slow, delicate stroking again. Gradually, Sabian’s cock hardened and lengthened in Lonnie’s mouth.


Focused attentively upon Sabian, Lonnie had been just barely aware of Sabian lapping at his balls, sucking on him there, then going beneath. Lonnie tensed and groaned with pleasure at the same time. He shifted slightly to the side, uncomfortable with where Sabian’s tongue was headed.


Sabian grasped Lonnie’s hips and pulled him back towards his face. He lapped at Lonnie’s balls again and then lower. When Lonnie shifted again, Sabian said, “Don’t be shy. I WANT to lick you there.”


Lonnie froze but didn’t move and Sabian mistook his lack of movement for acquiescence. Sabian pulled Lonnie’s ass towards his face and Lonnie rolled away from him abruptly. Sabian laughed lightly and grabbed one of Lonnie’s thighs; he bit down on it gently and said, “Come back here”.


Lonnie felt like he was moving through molasses, his limbs felt heavy and he couldn’t speak. When Sabian grabbed his hips and pulled Lonnie towards him again, Lonnie tried to resist but he just couldn’t move. Tendrils of fear, wicked and powerful, grasped hold of him, inexorably tugging him backwards and down through the dark tunnel of childhood memory.


It was a long, disorienting way down; within seconds, he was unable to distinguish between memory and reality. He felt waves of darkness flowing over him and he collapsed into the shadows of his inner self.


He awakened in the middle of the night for a glass of water. His mother refused to keep a night light on so he had groped his way in the gloom.


As he passed the living room a voice whispered, “Hey, while you in the kitchen, bring me a glass of juice”.


He carefully poured the juice, knowing if he spilled a drop, it would be his ass, because he would never find it and be able to clean it up in the dark. If he turned the light on, he would be in even more trouble.


He tread very carefully when heading back to the living room, fearful of tripping over his own feet and spilling the fluid. He delivered the glass of juice and was about to return the kitchen for his glass of water when the voice said softly, “So, how is school going?”


He answered reluctantly, knowing that he would be punished if he didn’t hurry get back into bed and that if their whisperings woke his mother up that he would be in for the whupping of all time.


“Sit down”, the voice said, patting a pudgy hand on a large, soft, mushy thigh.  Lonnie sat down and it had been like the time Santa Claus had come to his school one year. This man also had a wide comfortable lap, a big belly, and a gruff voice. He was starting to enjoy himself. No grownup had ever paid him this much attention before except for when he was in trouble.


He felt a little uneasy, knowing that he should hurry and get back to bed. He ignored the little voice that told him to get back to his room. It was fun talking about school and what he wanted to be when he grew up and what his favorite foods were. The hand stroking his small thigh felt nice. When the hand moved to his privates, he knew something was wrong and he started to get a little scared but then that started to feel good too and he was warm and cozy and he didn’t want to stop the good feelings.


So, when the voice told him to lie down, he did. And when those soft, pudgy hands instructed him to pull his pants down, he obeyed. He knew he had to. And he knew that his uncle, the man with the round body like Santa Claus and the always smiling and friendly face, would not tell him to do something he shouldn’t. And his mother was always nicer when his uncle came to visit.


Then there was the heavy weight pressing him into the couch so that his face was buried into the old musty surface and he could hardly breathe and then the voice whispering in his ear, “Does it feel good?” and nodding his head yes because the hand clasping his penis did feel soo sooo good. But he was scared too. And even though it felt good, he didn’t want it.


Then more pressure and more of hardly being able to breathe. Then the worst feeling, the worst thing he had ever felt in his life, worse than the extension cord across the back for punishment, worse than her holding his hand over the flames of the stove to teach him a lesson, worse than being hit with her high-heeled shoe, because he was “just bad”. This worst of all feelings, being split open, broken apart so that he knew he was never gonna be put back together again.


His legs cramping and after that numb so the only sensation was pain, wetness and cold. When your body is split open like that, you must bleed all over the place and he knew that’s what that cold wetness was: his blood. He didn’t know what it was that was pushing into him, driving into him, breaking him apart. He just knew that it was never gonna stop.


And that’s all there was ever, pain, burning pain, knife sharp, twisting pain, battering, ramming pain, ripping, shattering, tortuous pain. And then. It stopped.


He was looking down at a little boy with a big, raging monster of a beast on top of him. Smashing him, killing him probably. Not killing him. No, because he was still here. I’m here, I’m still here. He was in the darkest space, orange, black, and red with pain. Back inside the little boy, back inside the battered body and then the beast was lifting away.


He had come through, out to the other side. The man pushed him off the couch with his foot and whispered sternly, “Now go back to your room”.


He went back to his room, cold and wet between his thighs, knowing that he was bleeding to death. He placed his pajama bottoms between his legs, hoping it would stop the blood. He hadn’t slept. He was afraid he was gonna die, afraid he was gonna bleed to death.


When dawn’s light entered his room, he removed the pajamas from between his legs and was relieved to see that while there was blood, he wasn’t bleeding to death. For the next few days, he hid his agony every time he moved; for the next few weeks, he bled every time he had a bowel movement.


The next morning though, he looked at the two of them, mother and uncle. Brother and sister; two of a kind. As far as he knew, they were the only family he had.


They looked like pictures of angels he had seen in the Bible his mother kept on the bookshelf in the living room. They had the same round faces, dimpled smiles, and bright eyes. The only difference was the soft, curly black hair and the golden brown skin. They were so pretty.


Long before the X Files made the phrase famous, Lonnie’s motto had become, TRUST NO ONE. His uncle continued to visit often, but Lonnie never left his room in the middle of the night and he pushed his dresser in front of the door when he went to bed.


At first, Sabian had not realized anything was wrong. He thought that Lonnie was being shy about having his ass licked. As he grew to know Lonnie a little better, he had come to realize that Lonnie was inexperienced. When Lonnie shied away from him, he thought that if he reassured him, that Lonnie would be cool. He wanted to taste Lonnie everywhere. He wanted to do any and everything with Lonnie.


Gradually, he realized that something was wrong, that Lonnie’s lack of movement was not agreement. Next Lonnie had released this sound, it was too low to be a scream, but it held such pain and such despair that the hair’s on the back of Sabian’s neck stood on end.


He released Lonnie immediately. As soon as he let Lonnie go, Lonnie curled up onto his side into a small tight ball. Sabian looked down at him, scared, as he had never been before in his life.


Nell’s words came back to haunt him. ‘He’s not who you think he is Sabian.’ Then later, “Don’t hurt him, Sabian.’


He confidently said, “I won’t Aunt Nell. Just chill. I’m not gonna hurt him. I’m gonna give him what he wants.”


He continued to look down at Lonnie. That sound, it hadn’t even sounded human.